Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Encouraging Just Do It the new advertisement reportedly has Hefner smiling and recommending "Treat yourself to a pair."

In an exclusive interview with Breaking Wynd Hugh said, "I feel I still have a few opportunities to explore in my life, new mountains to conquer if you will. My friends and I, we discussed and discarded the idea of a bobble head action figure that comes with a replication of the grotto scenery. My canvas cubby system for sorting multiple guests' laundry was judged to be too mundane and, frankly, just not many people probably have that particular issue. Nix as well to antibacterial lawn chair covers with the Playboy logo on them, and no also to the condom roll which I actually hold a patent on and I would describe as like an industrial sized tape dispenser which holds about 40 condoms and you can just pull 'em off one at a time."

"But I got to thinking- I am always wearing out the felt inner liner of my slippers and then they're just not cushy. Not to mention the fact that I need a lounge shoe that is durable, with a firm grip in wet conditions, but with the flexibility and strength for exertive activities around the property. I was thinking that Nike designs shoes for all kinds of athletes- lifters, hitters, ballers, wrestlers, and why shouldn't they consider me and my needs to be a similar challenge to sports shoe design? I have to say, they were very enthusiastic when I called them. In fact, Scott- the intern, was like "Yes Mister Hefner, when can I come out there to the mansion? I'll do a 36 hour posterior.... no wait, he said posture... diagnosis including a terrain analysis of the bushes and grasses. We'll figure out the optimal materials to maintain a full level of comfort on carpet, tile, marble, and out in the elements so you can always keep your slippers on, no matter what you're doing." And I thought that was a good plan. So we studied it and smoked a few in the drawing room and what we ended up with is a pair of top rack, good looking, nice, bouncy, comfortable, cushy, warm, soft, smooth, firm, rounded, inviting, lounge slippers that I'd say any man would want to slide right into and nestle up with."

Scott- the intern, could not be reached for comment. His office cryptically stated that his research was coming to a finish but he was still out at the mansion "putting on the final touches and tucking away at some loose ends."

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Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital

The Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital has been replaced by ARA who brings a world beat flavored dance/house show to the Vintage Lounge every Wednesday for Happy Hour. If you like a chic atmosphere, cool rhythms, conversations on the couch, and Happy Hour specials, not to mention delicious new flavors from a distinctive Brazilian kitchen, then why don't you come by and check out Wednesdays at the Vintage Lounge. You will experience something new- this is not a DJ being a breathing jukebox, and its not a pan flute recital either, and it ain't blues or punk. This is fun, head turning, beat heavy, classy, original music in a live performance by ARA. That's what I'm talkin about- a new vibrant live music event right down in the 6th street area of Austin. You have probably never seen a one man percussionist show, well its for real. ARA composes music that will get you into a groove and pump a vibrancy into the evening making for a special time with friends old and new. Close to hotels, the Austin Convention Center, and downtown Austin, the most exciting Happy Hour on 6th street is at The Vintage Lounge on Wednesdays.

New Release: Art + iPhone= iPhart Raises Eyebrows

Everyone knows iPhone app developers are under a lot of pressure to squeeze out the next big thing. But this one just stinks. Not since the shaking baby app has there been such an outcry. "This app has just been a bomb," declared one anonymous software developer in Cupertino. "It was all wrong from the beginning. It just kinda trickled out, unnoticed. One got the sense from marketing that not everyone was 100% behind it, and it seemed as if half the people at the initial roll out conference were trying to distance themselves and point fingers as to deflect responsibility."

It is a shame because developing apps for the iPhone is usually a cutting edge process which brings great enjoyment to the masses of iPhone users. This app was supposed to tuck in seamlessly into the iLife suite including iPhoto, iMovie, and iWeb. The new app would allow art: drawing, pastels and water coloring on the touchscreen of the iPhone. "Developing this app was just a gas," said creator Smelton Dheltit. "I'm so proud to put this out and see what the reaction will be. My family likes it, on our last camping trip we just sat inside the tent on a rainy day and just had fun seeing what our creative juices would bring. It is so convenient to use the iPhone for entertainment. I mean you can doodle waiting in line or on the airplane or even in a taxi with strangers and usually no one will even notice what you are doing. But you'll be proud of the results."

Well, lets hope his enthusiasm is unrestrained and we can all look forward to having iPhart on our iPhones.

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Unbelievable Austin-American Statesman Music Reviews

Dear Friends,
I feel compelled to write this open letter to the editors of the Austin 360 weekly entertainment guide. This is the weekly arts feature section of the Austin-American Statesman and covers the "live music capital of the world". I am writing after being a regular reader and subscriber for about 5 years. Your article in the 8/13/09 issue was the latest example of what I would like to suggest to you is poor, lazy, and ill informed reporting. I challenge your reporting staff to go out into this "live music capital of the world" and find stories about music that matter, artists who are interesting people, artists that put care and craft into their work, struggles that inspire other vocations, art that serves humanity. Or how about the local music scene- how owners are cutting back on booking, guarantees are less, tipping has fallen, bands are asked to advertise for venues? Whats it like to be a working local band, a local musician?
A quick claim here, yes I am a local musician and as one I am writing to you.
Austin 360 has 52 opportunities a year to feature something/someone outstanding- you guys are working to do that. I'm going to go through your latest feature and explain how you fall short. Let me be clear: it is not just this article. Its the whole slant of your music arts coverage- from proudly following bands that puke out of windows prior to going on stage (Tuesday), to top lists of Texas musicians which leave out quality artists giving space to forgettable noise makers, to gleefully promoting as 'best bets' noise makers, drug fueled rappers, and punk bands. I've got nothing against those musicians, they probably work pretty hard and there are some who like that music. But I bet your readers are really interested in the next John Lennon, you know? Someone who is working real hard to make substance. Substance. Thats what I want in my music- expression, emotion, beauty, excitement, craft. I count on you to find and report on substance.
Now, like you say Pink Nasty is a nice guy. He hasn't played but one show for the eight months of this year, but your reporter chose to feature him in an article. During the interview he publicly urinates for the reporter, hmmmm lets see, I think I would hold it if I was fortunate enough to be interviewed. He is as you proclaim "an artist working to shake up the status quo" and he does this by making lyrics about feces, bodily fluids, bestiality and other forms of alternative sex, 'Faces of Death' type scenarios. Side note here: anyone can color outside the lines, that doesn't make it art, and it doesn't push the boundaries. Your reporter lets on that "if you don't pay attention to what he's saying ..(his music) is saleable" and "I can't imagine anybody rapping along to songs on his album." Why, oh, why are you featuring this guy? I mean, I don't know the band Trail of the Dead, but even they left this guy's album behind- it could be that bad! Furthermore you chose to feature an artist that has "only got one more album in him (and) 'these are the worst songs I've ever written'". Groan....
C'mon guys, search this city high and low, find us some real, lasting, substantive musicians to feature so the rest of us can be inspired. If you say something is "hip" one more time I'm gonna scream. Do not focus on the fleeting, subculture, alterno, coloring outside the lines, sophomoric simplicity. Find substance in this great city and its teeming masses of musical endeavor. Do not offend us by featuring the mediocre. Austin 360 music reviewers "pull your head out of your ass and find us some sunshine."

Ara
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Ex-Pres. Bush Donates Crawford Ranch to Detainees

From David Koresh and the Branch Davidians in Waco to the YFZ polygamist Ranch in El Dorado, Texas has a strange history of secretive compounds and it is about to get even stranger. Ex-President George Bush has just donated his Crawford Ranch for the release and rehabilitation of Guantanamo detainees. Reached by phone, ACLU attorney Phreda Mall said the agency is "Absolutely just stunned- and pleased. One of my colleagues said, 'You couldn't have shocked me more if you'd have put me in a robe and stood me on a box.'"

Thirty detainees have been cleared for release from the detention facility at Guantanamo. So far no European country has agreed to take them in. Then ex-President Bush realized his chance to step up. Saying he wanted to make a humanitarian gesture, he said it was "easy for the Decider to make this decision. As you know Laura and I have moved to Dallas and we've gotten engrossed in the challenge of figuring out the Presidential Library, you know, like what to put in it and should there be a TV room- just important details like that. So we aren't really using Crawford that much. I got to thinking, you know, I've cleared it out real good and its just such a restful place- I spent 25% of my Presidency there. So, I got to thinkin' maybe I could give back a little. You know, reach out, and teach American values. I envision allowing some of the faith based initiatives to come in and help with the rehab, you know like maybe Pat Robertson could come in and do some counseling."

Bush said that the donation was not an admission of guilt and got upset when told that someone had suggested that "he was betting the farm against the safety of America." "The Crawford Ranch is a very secure location, having protected a sitting President for eight years", Bush explained. "I have no doubt America will be safe from these less extreme extremists. Besides anyone wandering away won't get far because I let Dick keep his quail lease on the property."
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Someone in Air Force One Mooning Wall Street?

According to eyewitness accounts of yesterday's low fly over of New York City by Air Force One, at least one occupant of the plane didn't have his hands on the controls. In a photograph shot by a New England Patriots linebacker coach, taken while he vacationed in the city, the rotund form of human buttocks are clearly visible appearing on the right side of the plane as it passes by Wall Street. While the photo was taken with a high quality zoom lens it remains impossible to distinguish the owner of that shady prank.

Air Force spokesman denied that their pilots or attendant staff would be responsible for such actions. "We have taken great strides in training our staff in the wake of past scandals involving lewd behavior. Unless they came from the Academy, they know to keep their clothes on."

It it unclear if the action was aimed at a particular institution as there are so many banks clustered in the downtown financial district. One thing is clear, New Yorkers had every right to be upset at the whole episode. Said hot dog vendor Chuck Elliot who witnessed the events, "I wish they just take their asses back to D.C. where people are used to this kind of behavior."

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Pentagon Leaks Classified Predator Drone Vulnerabilities

Classified details of vulnerabilities to the Predator drones were leaked from Pentagon scientists attending an optics conference at the Universidad de Blinde in Venice, Italy. The papers were left inadvertently at a table where attendees were discussing red shift variables and distance factoring as it relates to light waves.

The classified papers describe how the simple tool of using 3D glasses is allowing terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan to actually see the Predator and other US drones as they fly at altitudes of up to 30,000 feet. Because of the unique nature inherent in the shift of various wavelengths of light, at these distances the subtle coatings painted on the drones, when viewed through the filter of bi-colored lenses such as any common pair of 3D glasses, cause the drone to become distinguishable from the background hues of the atmosphere.

Cpl. Tonya Marks of the 1st Rcon, 2nd Battl. USMC operating out of Baalz, Afghanistan said, "Its the damnedest thing. We're out patrolling in the middle of nowhere and come up to a village and see a couple of insurgents wearing like, 3D glasses. I was thinking- where's the drive in, you know." The patrol discovered that the insurgents were able to time their transfers of supplies and men to windows of opportunity in the day when they observe that the drones are not operating overhead. This technique has spread to the theatre in Iraq as well. Recently military specialists interrogated an insurgent who was operating in the border area close to Iran where supply lines often trail through the empty desert lands. Fuq al aJousef defiantly crowed about his abilities to counter the intelligence gathering drones, "With these glasses I can soar higher than the eagles, these glasses are the wind beneath my wings to fight the infidel oppressors."

It is fairly simple to obtain the glasses. Recent editions of Time, and National Geographic for example have included complimentary pairs. Even blockbuster movies such as Chicken Little have seen free glasses handed out to viewers at theaters in Baghdad. Pentagon spokesmen refused to comment on the leak other than to say, " we remain committed to protecting our troops, protecting our nation, and thwarting the bad guys with the full multi-dimensional capabilities of the United States military."
See more on this story at Breaking Wynd.
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