Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble
A disgruntled aide to President Obama has turned over an early transcript of the speech which the President will deliver tonight to a joint session of Congress. It is nothing short of a Hail Mary. To overcome the nation's health care slump, the President proposes to ban football beginning in 2010. Ban Football.
Well, now we understand why Roger Goodell's name showed up on the White House visitor logs so frequently last month.
The President's offensive philosophy is reasoned like this: the injury rate for an average football team over the course of the season is 170% (all figures official O.O.M.A.). If one takes a look at the daily NFL injury report what appears will range from muscle tears, high ankle sprains, turf toes, to groin pulls, hyper extended joints, torn ligaments, broken bones, and concussions. To break it down further, that broken arm will cost roughly $1800 in x-rays, $18,400 for surgery, $4200 surgical prep, $3487 hospital stay one night, $6700 outpatient rehab. So, almost $30,000 of average medical care per 52 man roster plus each scout team and those that were waived multiplied across all the teams in the league,and in college leagues, and in high school leagues, and in Pee Wee. The figure is staggering. The insurance industry spends 16.2 billion dollars annually on football related injuries. Take away this need and there will be more resources for your average car accident or grain hopper victim. In fact the NFL has the highest rate of medical expenditure in the country. Far behind, in second place, is the Blackwater counter-terrorism company. The idea is that if the nation can cut out unnecessary use of medical services, then providers can give better service to those in real need like cancer patients, or schizophrenics.
The aide who turned over the copy of the speech said he was particularly upset by some of the passages concerning America's young men. Obama says,"Change is good. Today's young men who will fight our wars need a different skill set. No longer do they need to run under a heavy pack and grunt, crawl, and claw their way towards an objective. Today's warfare requires finger dexterity, not brawn. It requires quick reactions, not teamwork. Our boys are going to be flying Predators. So I'm asking the parents to take their kids out of football and start a neighborhood Wii league. Go ahead, it'll be a community sort of thing, everybody can play Halo." The aide, coincidentally named John Madden, said, "That's just messed up. Anyways, whats going to happen to my fantasy football league, and I'm doing the lingerie league this year too?"
Representatives from the insurance companies said they had no comments yet. Off the record they admit that this proposal raises all kinds of flags and will penalize them financially. They want to wait and review the speech from the booth at the Capital. Among players and coaches asked for comment, Brett Favre said, "Well I guess this means I'll be retired again at this time next year." Jerry Jones was livid, "I haven't heard anything so sickening since that punt thudded into the TV screen two weeks ago."
Unbelievably Great Music
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Tennessee Titans
Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Titans
In a new low for both NFL football teams, the joint pre-season practice on Wednesday featuring the Tennessee Titans and Dallas Cowboys was marred by a locker room clearing brawl.
It all apparently started as a simmering feud between the Titan's Vince Young who is trying to work his way back into becoming a starter and the Cowboy's Jesse Holley who recently won the Micheal Irvin reality show
According to teammates, each player is known for being "the first to practice and the last one to leave the field." It was reported that they exchanged words in the tunnel about 45 minutes before the official practice started as they both sprinted toward the field hoping to beat the other to reach the turf. During practice they were observed glowering at each other. Vince Young intentionally overthrew on a deep pass and beaned Holley who was running routes on the other half of the field. A few minutes later the aspiring receiver encroached on the Titan's half of the field and actually intercepted a Young pass intended for his own Titan receivers.
As the players met at half field prior to the scrimmage the two started jawing at each other . Vince Young was overheard saying he "was only gonna leave the field like I left Texas, when I'm good and ready."
That's when teammates started to figure out that something was going on. Said Tony Romo, "I was wondering why Jesse wouldn't drink any Gatorade on the sidelines. But I suddenly realized that he wasn't going to let anything force him to leave the field before Vince did."
As the scrimmage ended and players returned to the locker rooms, both players found reasons to lag behind on the field. Holley was pacing off his routes for distances. Young appeared distracted by a jammed chin strap. Holley kicked a few field goals. Vince did some sit ups. Holley moved to retrieve an errant kick by the tunnel but Vince picked it up first and drilled a bullet at the receiver. Holley charged Young, an assistant coach yelled an alarm, and the players' teammates in a mostly undressed state came pouring out of the locker rooms and charged down the tunnel to dog pile on the two combatants.
Assistant Ball Boy Phil McCracken said " I haven't seen so much beef in Texas since last year's Pride Fest during Splash Days."
Owner Jerry Jones downplayed the brouhaha, "Just a couple of boobs out there. Heck, last year it was Jessica Simpson."
Unbelievably Great Music
In a new low for both NFL football teams, the joint pre-season practice on Wednesday featuring the Tennessee Titans and Dallas Cowboys was marred by a locker room clearing brawl.
It all apparently started as a simmering feud between the Titan's Vince Young who is trying to work his way back into becoming a starter and the Cowboy's Jesse Holley who recently won the Micheal Irvin reality show
According to teammates, each player is known for being "the first to practice and the last one to leave the field." It was reported that they exchanged words in the tunnel about 45 minutes before the official practice started as they both sprinted toward the field hoping to beat the other to reach the turf. During practice they were observed glowering at each other. Vince Young intentionally overthrew on a deep pass and beaned Holley who was running routes on the other half of the field. A few minutes later the aspiring receiver encroached on the Titan's half of the field and actually intercepted a Young pass intended for his own Titan receivers.
As the players met at half field prior to the scrimmage the two started jawing at each other . Vince Young was overheard saying he "was only gonna leave the field like I left Texas, when I'm good and ready."
That's when teammates started to figure out that something was going on. Said Tony Romo, "I was wondering why Jesse wouldn't drink any Gatorade on the sidelines. But I suddenly realized that he wasn't going to let anything force him to leave the field before Vince did."
As the scrimmage ended and players returned to the locker rooms, both players found reasons to lag behind on the field. Holley was pacing off his routes for distances. Young appeared distracted by a jammed chin strap. Holley kicked a few field goals. Vince did some sit ups. Holley moved to retrieve an errant kick by the tunnel but Vince picked it up first and drilled a bullet at the receiver. Holley charged Young, an assistant coach yelled an alarm, and the players' teammates in a mostly undressed state came pouring out of the locker rooms and charged down the tunnel to dog pile on the two combatants.
Assistant Ball Boy Phil McCracken said " I haven't seen so much beef in Texas since last year's Pride Fest during Splash Days."
Owner Jerry Jones downplayed the brouhaha, "Just a couple of boobs out there. Heck, last year it was Jessica Simpson."
Unbelievably Great Music
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe
Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe
Encouraging Just Do It the new advertisement reportedly has Hefner smiling and recommending "Treat yourself to a pair."
In an exclusive interview with Breaking Wynd Hugh said, "I feel I still have a few opportunities to explore in my life, new mountains to conquer if you will. My friends and I, we discussed and discarded the idea of a bobble head action figure that comes with a replication of the grotto scenery. My canvas cubby system for sorting multiple guests' laundry was judged to be too mundane and, frankly, just not many people probably have that particular issue. Nix as well to antibacterial lawn chair covers with the Playboy logo on them, and no also to the condom roll which I actually hold a patent on and I would describe as like an industrial sized tape dispenser which holds about 40 condoms and you can just pull 'em off one at a time."
"But I got to thinking- I am always wearing out the felt inner liner of my slippers and then they're just not cushy. Not to mention the fact that I need a lounge shoe that is durable, with a firm grip in wet conditions, but with the flexibility and strength for exertive activities around the property. I was thinking that Nike designs shoes for all kinds of athletes- lifters, hitters, ballers, wrestlers, and why shouldn't they consider me and my needs to be a similar challenge to sports shoe design? I have to say, they were very enthusiastic when I called them. In fact, Scott- the intern, was like "Yes Mister Hefner, when can I come out there to the mansion? I'll do a 36 hour posterior.... no wait, he said posture... diagnosis including a terrain analysis of the bushes and grasses. We'll figure out the optimal materials to maintain a full level of comfort on carpet, tile, marble, and out in the elements so you can always keep your slippers on, no matter what you're doing." And I thought that was a good plan. So we studied it and smoked a few in the drawing room and what we ended up with is a pair of top rack, good looking, nice, bouncy, comfortable, cushy, warm, soft, smooth, firm, rounded, inviting, lounge slippers that I'd say any man would want to slide right into and nestle up with."
Scott- the intern, could not be reached for comment. His office cryptically stated that his research was coming to a finish but he was still out at the mansion "putting on the final touches and tucking away at some loose ends."
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Unbelievably Great Music
Encouraging Just Do It the new advertisement reportedly has Hefner smiling and recommending "Treat yourself to a pair."
In an exclusive interview with Breaking Wynd Hugh said, "I feel I still have a few opportunities to explore in my life, new mountains to conquer if you will. My friends and I, we discussed and discarded the idea of a bobble head action figure that comes with a replication of the grotto scenery. My canvas cubby system for sorting multiple guests' laundry was judged to be too mundane and, frankly, just not many people probably have that particular issue. Nix as well to antibacterial lawn chair covers with the Playboy logo on them, and no also to the condom roll which I actually hold a patent on and I would describe as like an industrial sized tape dispenser which holds about 40 condoms and you can just pull 'em off one at a time."
"But I got to thinking- I am always wearing out the felt inner liner of my slippers and then they're just not cushy. Not to mention the fact that I need a lounge shoe that is durable, with a firm grip in wet conditions, but with the flexibility and strength for exertive activities around the property. I was thinking that Nike designs shoes for all kinds of athletes- lifters, hitters, ballers, wrestlers, and why shouldn't they consider me and my needs to be a similar challenge to sports shoe design? I have to say, they were very enthusiastic when I called them. In fact, Scott- the intern, was like "Yes Mister Hefner, when can I come out there to the mansion? I'll do a 36 hour posterior.... no wait, he said posture... diagnosis including a terrain analysis of the bushes and grasses. We'll figure out the optimal materials to maintain a full level of comfort on carpet, tile, marble, and out in the elements so you can always keep your slippers on, no matter what you're doing." And I thought that was a good plan. So we studied it and smoked a few in the drawing room and what we ended up with is a pair of top rack, good looking, nice, bouncy, comfortable, cushy, warm, soft, smooth, firm, rounded, inviting, lounge slippers that I'd say any man would want to slide right into and nestle up with."
Scott- the intern, could not be reached for comment. His office cryptically stated that his research was coming to a finish but he was still out at the mansion "putting on the final touches and tucking away at some loose ends."
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Unbelievably Great Music
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital
The Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital has been replaced by ARA who brings a world beat flavored dance/house show to the Vintage Lounge every Wednesday for Happy Hour. If you like a chic atmosphere, cool rhythms, conversations on the couch, and Happy Hour specials, not to mention delicious new flavors from a distinctive Brazilian kitchen, then why don't you come by and check out Wednesdays at the Vintage Lounge. You will experience something new- this is not a DJ being a breathing jukebox, and its not a pan flute recital either, and it ain't blues or punk. This is fun, head turning, beat heavy, classy, original music in a live performance by ARA. That's what I'm talkin about- a new vibrant live music event right down in the 6th street area of Austin. You have probably never seen a one man percussionist show, well its for real. ARA composes music that will get you into a groove and pump a vibrancy into the evening making for a special time with friends old and new. Close to hotels, the Austin Convention Center, and downtown Austin, the most exciting Happy Hour on 6th street is at The Vintage Lounge on Wednesdays.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
New Release: Art + iPhone= iPhart Raises Eyebrows
Everyone knows iPhone app developers are under a lot of pressure to squeeze out the next big thing. But this one just stinks. Not since the shaking baby app has there been such an outcry. "This app has just been a bomb," declared one anonymous software developer in Cupertino. "It was all wrong from the beginning. It just kinda trickled out, unnoticed. One got the sense from marketing that not everyone was 100% behind it, and it seemed as if half the people at the initial roll out conference were trying to distance themselves and point fingers as to deflect responsibility."
It is a shame because developing apps for the iPhone is usually a cutting edge process which brings great enjoyment to the masses of iPhone users. This app was supposed to tuck in seamlessly into the iLife suite including iPhoto, iMovie, and iWeb. The new app would allow art: drawing, pastels and water coloring on the touchscreen of the iPhone. "Developing this app was just a gas," said creator Smelton Dheltit. "I'm so proud to put this out and see what the reaction will be. My family likes it, on our last camping trip we just sat inside the tent on a rainy day and just had fun seeing what our creative juices would bring. It is so convenient to use the iPhone for entertainment. I mean you can doodle waiting in line or on the airplane or even in a taxi with strangers and usually no one will even notice what you are doing. But you'll be proud of the results."
Well, lets hope his enthusiasm is unrestrained and we can all look forward to having iPhart on our iPhones.
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Unbelievably Great Music
It is a shame because developing apps for the iPhone is usually a cutting edge process which brings great enjoyment to the masses of iPhone users. This app was supposed to tuck in seamlessly into the iLife suite including iPhoto, iMovie, and iWeb. The new app would allow art: drawing, pastels and water coloring on the touchscreen of the iPhone. "Developing this app was just a gas," said creator Smelton Dheltit. "I'm so proud to put this out and see what the reaction will be. My family likes it, on our last camping trip we just sat inside the tent on a rainy day and just had fun seeing what our creative juices would bring. It is so convenient to use the iPhone for entertainment. I mean you can doodle waiting in line or on the airplane or even in a taxi with strangers and usually no one will even notice what you are doing. But you'll be proud of the results."
Well, lets hope his enthusiasm is unrestrained and we can all look forward to having iPhart on our iPhones.
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Unbelievably Great Music
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Unbelievable Austin-American Statesman Music Reviews
Dear Friends,
I feel compelled to write this open letter to the editors of the Austin 360 weekly entertainment guide. This is the weekly arts feature section of the Austin-American Statesman and covers the "live music capital of the world". I am writing after being a regular reader and subscriber for about 5 years. Your article in the 8/13/09 issue was the latest example of what I would like to suggest to you is poor, lazy, and ill informed reporting. I challenge your reporting staff to go out into this "live music capital of the world" and find stories about music that matter, artists who are interesting people, artists that put care and craft into their work, struggles that inspire other vocations, art that serves humanity. Or how about the local music scene- how owners are cutting back on booking, guarantees are less, tipping has fallen, bands are asked to advertise for venues? Whats it like to be a working local band, a local musician?
A quick claim here, yes I am a local musician and as one I am writing to you.
Austin 360 has 52 opportunities a year to feature something/someone outstanding- you guys are working to do that. I'm going to go through your latest feature and explain how you fall short. Let me be clear: it is not just this article. Its the whole slant of your music arts coverage- from proudly following bands that puke out of windows prior to going on stage (Tuesday), to top lists of Texas musicians which leave out quality artists giving space to forgettable noise makers, to gleefully promoting as 'best bets' noise makers, drug fueled rappers, and punk bands. I've got nothing against those musicians, they probably work pretty hard and there are some who like that music. But I bet your readers are really interested in the next John Lennon, you know? Someone who is working real hard to make substance. Substance. Thats what I want in my music- expression, emotion, beauty, excitement, craft. I count on you to find and report on substance.
Now, like you say Pink Nasty is a nice guy. He hasn't played but one show for the eight months of this year, but your reporter chose to feature him in an article. During the interview he publicly urinates for the reporter, hmmmm lets see, I think I would hold it if I was fortunate enough to be interviewed. He is as you proclaim "an artist working to shake up the status quo" and he does this by making lyrics about feces, bodily fluids, bestiality and other forms of alternative sex, 'Faces of Death' type scenarios. Side note here: anyone can color outside the lines, that doesn't make it art, and it doesn't push the boundaries. Your reporter lets on that "if you don't pay attention to what he's saying ..(his music) is saleable" and "I can't imagine anybody rapping along to songs on his album." Why, oh, why are you featuring this guy? I mean, I don't know the band Trail of the Dead, but even they left this guy's album behind- it could be that bad! Furthermore you chose to feature an artist that has "only got one more album in him (and) 'these are the worst songs I've ever written'". Groan....
C'mon guys, search this city high and low, find us some real, lasting, substantive musicians to feature so the rest of us can be inspired. If you say something is "hip" one more time I'm gonna scream. Do not focus on the fleeting, subculture, alterno, coloring outside the lines, sophomoric simplicity. Find substance in this great city and its teeming masses of musical endeavor. Do not offend us by featuring the mediocre. Austin 360 music reviewers "pull your head out of your ass and find us some sunshine."
Ara
Unbelievably Great Music
I feel compelled to write this open letter to the editors of the Austin 360 weekly entertainment guide. This is the weekly arts feature section of the Austin-American Statesman and covers the "live music capital of the world". I am writing after being a regular reader and subscriber for about 5 years. Your article in the 8/13/09 issue was the latest example of what I would like to suggest to you is poor, lazy, and ill informed reporting. I challenge your reporting staff to go out into this "live music capital of the world" and find stories about music that matter, artists who are interesting people, artists that put care and craft into their work, struggles that inspire other vocations, art that serves humanity. Or how about the local music scene- how owners are cutting back on booking, guarantees are less, tipping has fallen, bands are asked to advertise for venues? Whats it like to be a working local band, a local musician?
A quick claim here, yes I am a local musician and as one I am writing to you.
Austin 360 has 52 opportunities a year to feature something/someone outstanding- you guys are working to do that. I'm going to go through your latest feature and explain how you fall short. Let me be clear: it is not just this article. Its the whole slant of your music arts coverage- from proudly following bands that puke out of windows prior to going on stage (Tuesday), to top lists of Texas musicians which leave out quality artists giving space to forgettable noise makers, to gleefully promoting as 'best bets' noise makers, drug fueled rappers, and punk bands. I've got nothing against those musicians, they probably work pretty hard and there are some who like that music. But I bet your readers are really interested in the next John Lennon, you know? Someone who is working real hard to make substance. Substance. Thats what I want in my music- expression, emotion, beauty, excitement, craft. I count on you to find and report on substance.
Now, like you say Pink Nasty is a nice guy. He hasn't played but one show for the eight months of this year, but your reporter chose to feature him in an article. During the interview he publicly urinates for the reporter, hmmmm lets see, I think I would hold it if I was fortunate enough to be interviewed. He is as you proclaim "an artist working to shake up the status quo" and he does this by making lyrics about feces, bodily fluids, bestiality and other forms of alternative sex, 'Faces of Death' type scenarios. Side note here: anyone can color outside the lines, that doesn't make it art, and it doesn't push the boundaries. Your reporter lets on that "if you don't pay attention to what he's saying ..(his music) is saleable" and "I can't imagine anybody rapping along to songs on his album." Why, oh, why are you featuring this guy? I mean, I don't know the band Trail of the Dead, but even they left this guy's album behind- it could be that bad! Furthermore you chose to feature an artist that has "only got one more album in him (and) 'these are the worst songs I've ever written'". Groan....
C'mon guys, search this city high and low, find us some real, lasting, substantive musicians to feature so the rest of us can be inspired. If you say something is "hip" one more time I'm gonna scream. Do not focus on the fleeting, subculture, alterno, coloring outside the lines, sophomoric simplicity. Find substance in this great city and its teeming masses of musical endeavor. Do not offend us by featuring the mediocre. Austin 360 music reviewers "pull your head out of your ass and find us some sunshine."
Ara
Unbelievably Great Music
Friday, July 17, 2009
Ex-Pres. Bush Donates Crawford Ranch to Detainees
From David Koresh and the Branch Davidians in Waco to the YFZ polygamist Ranch in El Dorado, Texas has a strange history of secretive compounds and it is about to get even stranger. Ex-President George Bush has just donated his Crawford Ranch for the release and rehabilitation of Guantanamo detainees. Reached by phone, ACLU attorney Phreda Mall said the agency is "Absolutely just stunned- and pleased. One of my colleagues said, 'You couldn't have shocked me more if you'd have put me in a robe and stood me on a box.'"
Thirty detainees have been cleared for release from the detention facility at Guantanamo. So far no European country has agreed to take them in. Then ex-President Bush realized his chance to step up. Saying he wanted to make a humanitarian gesture, he said it was "easy for the Decider to make this decision. As you know Laura and I have moved to Dallas and we've gotten engrossed in the challenge of figuring out the Presidential Library, you know, like what to put in it and should there be a TV room- just important details like that. So we aren't really using Crawford that much. I got to thinking, you know, I've cleared it out real good and its just such a restful place- I spent 25% of my Presidency there. So, I got to thinkin' maybe I could give back a little. You know, reach out, and teach American values. I envision allowing some of the faith based initiatives to come in and help with the rehab, you know like maybe Pat Robertson could come in and do some counseling."
Bush said that the donation was not an admission of guilt and got upset when told that someone had suggested that "he was betting the farm against the safety of America." "The Crawford Ranch is a very secure location, having protected a sitting President for eight years", Bush explained. "I have no doubt America will be safe from these less extreme extremists. Besides anyone wandering away won't get far because I let Dick keep his quail lease on the property."
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Thirty detainees have been cleared for release from the detention facility at Guantanamo. So far no European country has agreed to take them in. Then ex-President Bush realized his chance to step up. Saying he wanted to make a humanitarian gesture, he said it was "easy for the Decider to make this decision. As you know Laura and I have moved to Dallas and we've gotten engrossed in the challenge of figuring out the Presidential Library, you know, like what to put in it and should there be a TV room- just important details like that. So we aren't really using Crawford that much. I got to thinking, you know, I've cleared it out real good and its just such a restful place- I spent 25% of my Presidency there. So, I got to thinkin' maybe I could give back a little. You know, reach out, and teach American values. I envision allowing some of the faith based initiatives to come in and help with the rehab, you know like maybe Pat Robertson could come in and do some counseling."
Bush said that the donation was not an admission of guilt and got upset when told that someone had suggested that "he was betting the farm against the safety of America." "The Crawford Ranch is a very secure location, having protected a sitting President for eight years", Bush explained. "I have no doubt America will be safe from these less extreme extremists. Besides anyone wandering away won't get far because I let Dick keep his quail lease on the property."
http://www.aratunes.us/
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