Sunday, September 13, 2009

Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

A disgruntled aide to President Obama has turned over an early transcript of the speech which the President will deliver tonight to a joint session of Congress. It is nothing short of a Hail Mary. To overcome the nation's health care slump, the President proposes to ban football beginning in 2010. Ban Football.

Well, now we understand why Roger Goodell's name showed up on the White House visitor logs so frequently last month.

The President's offensive philosophy is reasoned like this: the injury rate for an average football team over the course of the season is 170% (all figures official O.O.M.A.). If one takes a look at the daily NFL injury report what appears will range from muscle tears, high ankle sprains, turf toes, to groin pulls, hyper extended joints, torn ligaments, broken bones, and concussions. To break it down further, that broken arm will cost roughly $1800 in x-rays, $18,400 for surgery, $4200 surgical prep, $3487 hospital stay one night, $6700 outpatient rehab. So, almost $30,000 of average medical care per 52 man roster plus each scout team and those that were waived multiplied across all the teams in the league,and in college leagues, and in high school leagues, and in Pee Wee. The figure is staggering. The insurance industry spends 16.2 billion dollars annually on football related injuries. Take away this need and there will be more resources for your average car accident or grain hopper victim. In fact the NFL has the highest rate of medical expenditure in the country. Far behind, in second place, is the Blackwater counter-terrorism company. The idea is that if the nation can cut out unnecessary use of medical services, then providers can give better service to those in real need like cancer patients, or schizophrenics.

The aide who turned over the copy of the speech said he was particularly upset by some of the passages concerning America's young men. Obama says,"Change is good. Today's young men who will fight our wars need a different skill set. No longer do they need to run under a heavy pack and grunt, crawl, and claw their way towards an objective. Today's warfare requires finger dexterity, not brawn. It requires quick reactions, not teamwork. Our boys are going to be flying Predators. So I'm asking the parents to take their kids out of football and start a neighborhood Wii league. Go ahead, it'll be a community sort of thing, everybody can play Halo." The aide, coincidentally named John Madden, said, "That's just messed up. Anyways, whats going to happen to my fantasy football league, and I'm doing the lingerie league this year too?"

Representatives from the insurance companies said they had no comments yet. Off the record they admit that this proposal raises all kinds of flags and will penalize them financially. They want to wait and review the speech from the booth at the Capital. Among players and coaches asked for comment, Brett Favre said, "Well I guess this means I'll be retired again at this time next year." Jerry Jones was livid, "I haven't heard anything so sickening since that punt thudded into the TV screen two weeks ago."

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Tennessee Titans

Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Titans

In a new low for both NFL football teams, the joint pre-season practice on Wednesday featuring the Tennessee Titans and Dallas Cowboys was marred by a locker room clearing brawl.
It all apparently started as a simmering feud between the Titan's Vince Young who is trying to work his way back into becoming a starter and the Cowboy's Jesse Holley who recently won the Micheal Irvin reality show
According to teammates, each player is known for being "the first to practice and the last one to leave the field." It was reported that they exchanged words in the tunnel about 45 minutes before the official practice started as they both sprinted toward the field hoping to beat the other to reach the turf. During practice they were observed glowering at each other. Vince Young intentionally overthrew on a deep pass and beaned Holley who was running routes on the other half of the field. A few minutes later the aspiring receiver encroached on the Titan's half of the field and actually intercepted a Young pass intended for his own Titan receivers.
As the players met at half field prior to the scrimmage the two started jawing at each other . Vince Young was overheard saying he "was only gonna leave the field like I left Texas, when I'm good and ready."
That's when teammates started to figure out that something was going on. Said Tony Romo, "I was wondering why Jesse wouldn't drink any Gatorade on the sidelines. But I suddenly realized that he wasn't going to let anything force him to leave the field before Vince did."
As the scrimmage ended and players returned to the locker rooms, both players found reasons to lag behind on the field. Holley was pacing off his routes for distances. Young appeared distracted by a jammed chin strap. Holley kicked a few field goals. Vince did some sit ups. Holley moved to retrieve an errant kick by the tunnel but Vince picked it up first and drilled a bullet at the receiver. Holley charged Young, an assistant coach yelled an alarm, and the players' teammates in a mostly undressed state came pouring out of the locker rooms and charged down the tunnel to dog pile on the two combatants.
Assistant Ball Boy Phil McCracken said " I haven't seen so much beef in Texas since last year's Pride Fest during Splash Days."
Owner Jerry Jones downplayed the brouhaha, "Just a couple of boobs out there. Heck, last year it was Jessica Simpson."

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Thursday, September 3, 2009

Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Encouraging Just Do It the new advertisement reportedly has Hefner smiling and recommending "Treat yourself to a pair."

In an exclusive interview with Breaking Wynd Hugh said, "I feel I still have a few opportunities to explore in my life, new mountains to conquer if you will. My friends and I, we discussed and discarded the idea of a bobble head action figure that comes with a replication of the grotto scenery. My canvas cubby system for sorting multiple guests' laundry was judged to be too mundane and, frankly, just not many people probably have that particular issue. Nix as well to antibacterial lawn chair covers with the Playboy logo on them, and no also to the condom roll which I actually hold a patent on and I would describe as like an industrial sized tape dispenser which holds about 40 condoms and you can just pull 'em off one at a time."

"But I got to thinking- I am always wearing out the felt inner liner of my slippers and then they're just not cushy. Not to mention the fact that I need a lounge shoe that is durable, with a firm grip in wet conditions, but with the flexibility and strength for exertive activities around the property. I was thinking that Nike designs shoes for all kinds of athletes- lifters, hitters, ballers, wrestlers, and why shouldn't they consider me and my needs to be a similar challenge to sports shoe design? I have to say, they were very enthusiastic when I called them. In fact, Scott- the intern, was like "Yes Mister Hefner, when can I come out there to the mansion? I'll do a 36 hour posterior.... no wait, he said posture... diagnosis including a terrain analysis of the bushes and grasses. We'll figure out the optimal materials to maintain a full level of comfort on carpet, tile, marble, and out in the elements so you can always keep your slippers on, no matter what you're doing." And I thought that was a good plan. So we studied it and smoked a few in the drawing room and what we ended up with is a pair of top rack, good looking, nice, bouncy, comfortable, cushy, warm, soft, smooth, firm, rounded, inviting, lounge slippers that I'd say any man would want to slide right into and nestle up with."

Scott- the intern, could not be reached for comment. His office cryptically stated that his research was coming to a finish but he was still out at the mansion "putting on the final touches and tucking away at some loose ends."

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital

The Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital has been replaced by ARA who brings a world beat flavored dance/house show to the Vintage Lounge every Wednesday for Happy Hour. If you like a chic atmosphere, cool rhythms, conversations on the couch, and Happy Hour specials, not to mention delicious new flavors from a distinctive Brazilian kitchen, then why don't you come by and check out Wednesdays at the Vintage Lounge. You will experience something new- this is not a DJ being a breathing jukebox, and its not a pan flute recital either, and it ain't blues or punk. This is fun, head turning, beat heavy, classy, original music in a live performance by ARA. That's what I'm talkin about- a new vibrant live music event right down in the 6th street area of Austin. You have probably never seen a one man percussionist show, well its for real. ARA composes music that will get you into a groove and pump a vibrancy into the evening making for a special time with friends old and new. Close to hotels, the Austin Convention Center, and downtown Austin, the most exciting Happy Hour on 6th street is at The Vintage Lounge on Wednesdays.