Sunday, December 6, 2009

Leaked Report of Jobs Summit/ Afghanistan Link

Leaked Report of Jobs Summit/ Afghanistan Link

Sources have started to leak details of new plans by the Obama administration to commence a sweeping national job creating strategy that will focus on combining creating jobs in the Homeland and improving security in war torn Afghanistan. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been deep in discussions with Defense Secretary Robert Gates on the plan. Under-Secretary Bob Gophor and Assistant Secretary Justin Duit as well as Deputy Secretary Akin Coppies and Deputy Assistant Under Deputy Assistant Secretary Secretary Loman Totem have all been involved.

What they have come up with is nothing short of a modern New Deal for America. They propose a massive recycling and security technology industry here in America that will provide a "neighborhood watch" program in the lawless provinces in Afghanistan. Say Whhaaaa?

Here's how it will work: According to the State department, ten thousand out of work Americans will be enlisted to dig up extraneous telephone poles around the country and load them onto rail for transportation to Afghanistan. These are telephone poles that are becoming obsolete as America moves to a wireless communication infrastructure. Now that they are not being used, instead of rotting in the ground, the thinking from the State Department is "lets recycle 'em as part of our Green Initiatives". The Teamsters has already expressed excitement about giving the Afghans the poles. In addition, Americans will be asked to donate to the Homeland security department those little tiny video cameras they've gotten with each new computer purchased in the last 6 years. Each camera is worth a $5 tax credit in 2011. So the cameras and poles will be shipped to Afghanistan. There natives will be tasked with digging in the poles along all trails and roadways which our forces have cleared. Atop each pole a video camera will be mounted. Now, it is common knowledge in Afghanistan the the cameras will be secure because of the curious cultural unwillingness of the people to climb up ladders and poles as it is taboo for one to expose the body beneath the flowing robes in public.

So after the Marines sweep through and the the trails have been "cleared", now we need to "hold" them. So the Department of Defense will enlist a Civilian Defense Corps which may provide jobs for up to 900,000 Americans. Their duty will be to monitor, by closed circuit TV, the video feed of each camera, 24 hours a day. Is an insurgent planting a roadside IED? Make a call to headquarters. Was there an ambush in the next city? Rewind the video and watch the insurgents walk backwards into the cave from whence they were hiding. Is this Big Brother? Well kinda, but its also war. The Defence Secretary calls it Variable Distance Neighborhood Watch. In any event 20 cities, from Chicago to Pucksatawny have begun the application process to host one of the 6 monitoring centers in which the videos will be scrutinized.

Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama expressed heavy disdain for the plan. "You've got the Obama administration proposing for a bunch of people to sit around and watch videos and also dig holes and fill them back up, and then they have the audacity to call that a Security and Job Creation Plan. I'm speechless, I don't know what to say. I'm sure our caucus can come up with a better plan. There's a saying where I'm from about when a mule looks backwards at himself in a mirror he can see the way forward. And, well, we'll just see what happens when it comes up for debate".

Friday, December 4, 2009

White House Disputes That Camel on Official Christmas Album Panders To Arabs

White House Disputes That Camel on Official Christmas Album Panders To Arabs

The White House is finding itself on the defensive after naming The Inn Door the 2010 Official White House Christmas Album. It seems that some conservatives are going rogue and claiming that an image of a camel on its cover is a symbol of pandering to middle eastern cultures. In fact the image is of Roger the Dromedary who happens to be one of Santa's helpers. Ara, the musician behind the cover says, "It was unintentional. These days its hard to even find a camel that isn't an Arab. I mean, there's a small colony of dromedaries in Australia, but Santa's got more pressing issues than checking camel DNA." The story behind Roger even being on the cover of The Inn Door is revealed in the song "Roger the Dromedary". Overall the album was chosen for the honor based on its joy and spirit inspiring melodies and hooks. It was actually the second place album, but took the honor after Adam Lambert's album was found to be to offensive with it's cover of Santa Claus Kissing Daddy Under the Tree.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

New Wireless Ear Buds for the iPhone Make Unbelievably Great Music; Droid Doesn't Have the Balls Yet

New Wireless Ear Buds for the iPhone Make Unbelievably Great Music; Droid Doesn't Have the Balls Yet

You've seen the ads, the pictures and the video. The ubiquitous iPod attached via curvy, sleek, white wires to the grooving listener. How 80s. How kinky. How fun is it to get tangled in that cord, or yank 'em out of your ears accidentally while bustin' a move? No more.

Aratunes announces the invention of the world's first wireless high fidelity in-ear speakers.

This invention is the first to radically take advantage of the FM radio capabilities recently enabled inside the Apple player. The speakers are standard sized ear buds in a geodesic "Bucky Ball" shape which serves to optimize bass response inside their sound chamber. Named iBalls by their creator, the wonderful part is that they contain miniature FM receivers developed in North Korea. So the iBalls are totally remote from the player, thereby eliminating that pesky wire and freeing the listener from being tethered to the Pod. The user just sets the iPod to transmit at the frequency 87.6FM and the 5309 Series Kubooma receivers in the ear pieces will pick up the signal and play whatever is cued up, like "Someone" from V.

Now with ear buds this small, some might worry about losing them. Or, even worse, maybe getting your iBalls stuck deep inside your ears and not being able to grasp them to pull them out. (Kinda like that Lima bean incident in first grade). Well, the iBalls speakers are made of a rare neodymium/ copper alloy set into the coiled magnetic diaphragm of the speaker. This metallic coil has a magnetic factor of four- comparable to that found in Venus' heavy metal fifth moon- Egregious. So taking advantage of electro-magnetic conduction, one can turn the FM frequency modulator to the far right of the dial and, getting more than a rush of hot air, actually generate a magnetic field that can retrieve the iBalls out from the ears. Just put the iPod up against the ear and, foop! out the iBall gets pulled. Leave the magnetic field on when not in use and the iBalls are kept tucked snugly underneath the iPod.

Aratunes has also developed an array of specialized sets of ear speakers for the audiophile. The iFreq fit over the entire ear in the same aural enhancing geodesic shape and are made out of a comfortable, lightweight foam. The iFreq have superior bass response due to its spacious 4 cubic inch cavernous enclosure and is aimed at the urban/ hip hop music lover. Listen here: "Hold On". For the heavy metal/ hard rock listener, Aratunes developed the iScream, a conical shaped ear speaker that drives the sound waves deep into the sub-cortex. This is the world's first wireless in-ear speaker with the dubious distinction of having actually broken a bone in a test subject's ear. Listen here: "Electrified"

Friday, October 30, 2009

Man Displays Real Corpse as Halloween Decoration

Man Displays Real Corpse as Halloween Decoration

Authorities in Fresh Kills, New York are confirming an investigation of a local resident who apparently had displayed a real human corpse on his front porch for two weeks as part of his Halloween "Fright Scene". Mort Icann 37, an employee of Acme Body and Cadaver, had been taken into custody late Tuesday night by police after being reported by an observant teenager. Justin Thyme made the 911 call after approaching the Icann porch and noticing that something just "didn't smell right. I was canvasing the neighborhood to earn a badge toward Eagle Scout. We've got two objectives: one, we help residents with their knots, you know- if a slip knot is incorrect we'll fix it. Two, we've been getting a lot of instruction from the den leaders on how to recognize pedophiles and so we're out knocking on doors so we can identify people and hopefully make the neighborhood a lot safer. Anyways, I went to knock at 1313 Mockingbird Lane and I just had a feeling about it, so I called the police."

Icann's "Fright Scene" had an assortment of ghouls, human victims, and blood and gore soaked medical instruments. Strangely there were no pumpkins, black cats, or spider webs decorating his yard. Amy Sweet, 7, says she and her friends play up and down the street regularly and that residence didn't seem out of the ordinary. " There's all kinds of neat decorations up: dismemberments, amputations, car crash victims, torture scenes, and his actually wasn't that scary. I thought the guy laying down on the porch swing was pretty lame, just real pale and it had no dripping blood. His eyes were even closed."

Police said Mr. Icann had confessed that in these tough economic times he had just decided to bring his work home with him and decorate on the cheap. "I really thought I had put enough formaldehyde on it so it wouldn't be a problem. I also don't think its that big a deal, I mean, these kids see this kind of stuff all day long on prime time TV."

Melissa Sweet, 8, confirmed "Naw, it didn't bother us at all to have a dead guy hanging out in our neighborhood. What bothered us is only being able to go through the 2nd Baptist Church House of Terror twice. Did you know they do a double heart transplant? Without anesthesia? Between a Muslim and a Christian? And the kids pick which one dies?"

Unbelievably Great Music

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

A disgruntled aide to President Obama has turned over an early transcript of the speech which the President will deliver tonight to a joint session of Congress. It is nothing short of a Hail Mary. To overcome the nation's health care slump, the President proposes to ban football beginning in 2010. Ban Football.

Well, now we understand why Roger Goodell's name showed up on the White House visitor logs so frequently last month.

The President's offensive philosophy is reasoned like this: the injury rate for an average football team over the course of the season is 170% (all figures official O.O.M.A.). If one takes a look at the daily NFL injury report what appears will range from muscle tears, high ankle sprains, turf toes, to groin pulls, hyper extended joints, torn ligaments, broken bones, and concussions. To break it down further, that broken arm will cost roughly $1800 in x-rays, $18,400 for surgery, $4200 surgical prep, $3487 hospital stay one night, $6700 outpatient rehab. So, almost $30,000 of average medical care per 52 man roster plus each scout team and those that were waived multiplied across all the teams in the league,and in college leagues, and in high school leagues, and in Pee Wee. The figure is staggering. The insurance industry spends 16.2 billion dollars annually on football related injuries. Take away this need and there will be more resources for your average car accident or grain hopper victim. In fact the NFL has the highest rate of medical expenditure in the country. Far behind, in second place, is the Blackwater counter-terrorism company. The idea is that if the nation can cut out unnecessary use of medical services, then providers can give better service to those in real need like cancer patients, or schizophrenics.

The aide who turned over the copy of the speech said he was particularly upset by some of the passages concerning America's young men. Obama says,"Change is good. Today's young men who will fight our wars need a different skill set. No longer do they need to run under a heavy pack and grunt, crawl, and claw their way towards an objective. Today's warfare requires finger dexterity, not brawn. It requires quick reactions, not teamwork. Our boys are going to be flying Predators. So I'm asking the parents to take their kids out of football and start a neighborhood Wii league. Go ahead, it'll be a community sort of thing, everybody can play Halo." The aide, coincidentally named John Madden, said, "That's just messed up. Anyways, whats going to happen to my fantasy football league, and I'm doing the lingerie league this year too?"

Representatives from the insurance companies said they had no comments yet. Off the record they admit that this proposal raises all kinds of flags and will penalize them financially. They want to wait and review the speech from the booth at the Capital. Among players and coaches asked for comment, Brett Favre said, "Well I guess this means I'll be retired again at this time next year." Jerry Jones was livid, "I haven't heard anything so sickening since that punt thudded into the TV screen two weeks ago."

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Tennessee Titans

Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Titans

In a new low for both NFL football teams, the joint pre-season practice on Wednesday featuring the Tennessee Titans and Dallas Cowboys was marred by a locker room clearing brawl.
It all apparently started as a simmering feud between the Titan's Vince Young who is trying to work his way back into becoming a starter and the Cowboy's Jesse Holley who recently won the Micheal Irvin reality show
According to teammates, each player is known for being "the first to practice and the last one to leave the field." It was reported that they exchanged words in the tunnel about 45 minutes before the official practice started as they both sprinted toward the field hoping to beat the other to reach the turf. During practice they were observed glowering at each other. Vince Young intentionally overthrew on a deep pass and beaned Holley who was running routes on the other half of the field. A few minutes later the aspiring receiver encroached on the Titan's half of the field and actually intercepted a Young pass intended for his own Titan receivers.
As the players met at half field prior to the scrimmage the two started jawing at each other . Vince Young was overheard saying he "was only gonna leave the field like I left Texas, when I'm good and ready."
That's when teammates started to figure out that something was going on. Said Tony Romo, "I was wondering why Jesse wouldn't drink any Gatorade on the sidelines. But I suddenly realized that he wasn't going to let anything force him to leave the field before Vince did."
As the scrimmage ended and players returned to the locker rooms, both players found reasons to lag behind on the field. Holley was pacing off his routes for distances. Young appeared distracted by a jammed chin strap. Holley kicked a few field goals. Vince did some sit ups. Holley moved to retrieve an errant kick by the tunnel but Vince picked it up first and drilled a bullet at the receiver. Holley charged Young, an assistant coach yelled an alarm, and the players' teammates in a mostly undressed state came pouring out of the locker rooms and charged down the tunnel to dog pile on the two combatants.
Assistant Ball Boy Phil McCracken said " I haven't seen so much beef in Texas since last year's Pride Fest during Splash Days."
Owner Jerry Jones downplayed the brouhaha, "Just a couple of boobs out there. Heck, last year it was Jessica Simpson."

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Thursday, September 3, 2009

Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Encouraging Just Do It the new advertisement reportedly has Hefner smiling and recommending "Treat yourself to a pair."

In an exclusive interview with Breaking Wynd Hugh said, "I feel I still have a few opportunities to explore in my life, new mountains to conquer if you will. My friends and I, we discussed and discarded the idea of a bobble head action figure that comes with a replication of the grotto scenery. My canvas cubby system for sorting multiple guests' laundry was judged to be too mundane and, frankly, just not many people probably have that particular issue. Nix as well to antibacterial lawn chair covers with the Playboy logo on them, and no also to the condom roll which I actually hold a patent on and I would describe as like an industrial sized tape dispenser which holds about 40 condoms and you can just pull 'em off one at a time."

"But I got to thinking- I am always wearing out the felt inner liner of my slippers and then they're just not cushy. Not to mention the fact that I need a lounge shoe that is durable, with a firm grip in wet conditions, but with the flexibility and strength for exertive activities around the property. I was thinking that Nike designs shoes for all kinds of athletes- lifters, hitters, ballers, wrestlers, and why shouldn't they consider me and my needs to be a similar challenge to sports shoe design? I have to say, they were very enthusiastic when I called them. In fact, Scott- the intern, was like "Yes Mister Hefner, when can I come out there to the mansion? I'll do a 36 hour posterior.... no wait, he said posture... diagnosis including a terrain analysis of the bushes and grasses. We'll figure out the optimal materials to maintain a full level of comfort on carpet, tile, marble, and out in the elements so you can always keep your slippers on, no matter what you're doing." And I thought that was a good plan. So we studied it and smoked a few in the drawing room and what we ended up with is a pair of top rack, good looking, nice, bouncy, comfortable, cushy, warm, soft, smooth, firm, rounded, inviting, lounge slippers that I'd say any man would want to slide right into and nestle up with."

Scott- the intern, could not be reached for comment. His office cryptically stated that his research was coming to a finish but he was still out at the mansion "putting on the final touches and tucking away at some loose ends."

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital

The Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital has been replaced by ARA who brings a world beat flavored dance/house show to the Vintage Lounge every Wednesday for Happy Hour. If you like a chic atmosphere, cool rhythms, conversations on the couch, and Happy Hour specials, not to mention delicious new flavors from a distinctive Brazilian kitchen, then why don't you come by and check out Wednesdays at the Vintage Lounge. You will experience something new- this is not a DJ being a breathing jukebox, and its not a pan flute recital either, and it ain't blues or punk. This is fun, head turning, beat heavy, classy, original music in a live performance by ARA. That's what I'm talkin about- a new vibrant live music event right down in the 6th street area of Austin. You have probably never seen a one man percussionist show, well its for real. ARA composes music that will get you into a groove and pump a vibrancy into the evening making for a special time with friends old and new. Close to hotels, the Austin Convention Center, and downtown Austin, the most exciting Happy Hour on 6th street is at The Vintage Lounge on Wednesdays.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

New Release: Art + iPhone= iPhart Raises Eyebrows

Everyone knows iPhone app developers are under a lot of pressure to squeeze out the next big thing. But this one just stinks. Not since the shaking baby app has there been such an outcry. "This app has just been a bomb," declared one anonymous software developer in Cupertino. "It was all wrong from the beginning. It just kinda trickled out, unnoticed. One got the sense from marketing that not everyone was 100% behind it, and it seemed as if half the people at the initial roll out conference were trying to distance themselves and point fingers as to deflect responsibility."

It is a shame because developing apps for the iPhone is usually a cutting edge process which brings great enjoyment to the masses of iPhone users. This app was supposed to tuck in seamlessly into the iLife suite including iPhoto, iMovie, and iWeb. The new app would allow art: drawing, pastels and water coloring on the touchscreen of the iPhone. "Developing this app was just a gas," said creator Smelton Dheltit. "I'm so proud to put this out and see what the reaction will be. My family likes it, on our last camping trip we just sat inside the tent on a rainy day and just had fun seeing what our creative juices would bring. It is so convenient to use the iPhone for entertainment. I mean you can doodle waiting in line or on the airplane or even in a taxi with strangers and usually no one will even notice what you are doing. But you'll be proud of the results."

Well, lets hope his enthusiasm is unrestrained and we can all look forward to having iPhart on our iPhones.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Unbelievable Austin-American Statesman Music Reviews

Dear Friends,
I feel compelled to write this open letter to the editors of the Austin 360 weekly entertainment guide. This is the weekly arts feature section of the Austin-American Statesman and covers the "live music capital of the world". I am writing after being a regular reader and subscriber for about 5 years. Your article in the 8/13/09 issue was the latest example of what I would like to suggest to you is poor, lazy, and ill informed reporting. I challenge your reporting staff to go out into this "live music capital of the world" and find stories about music that matter, artists who are interesting people, artists that put care and craft into their work, struggles that inspire other vocations, art that serves humanity. Or how about the local music scene- how owners are cutting back on booking, guarantees are less, tipping has fallen, bands are asked to advertise for venues? Whats it like to be a working local band, a local musician?
A quick claim here, yes I am a local musician and as one I am writing to you.
Austin 360 has 52 opportunities a year to feature something/someone outstanding- you guys are working to do that. I'm going to go through your latest feature and explain how you fall short. Let me be clear: it is not just this article. Its the whole slant of your music arts coverage- from proudly following bands that puke out of windows prior to going on stage (Tuesday), to top lists of Texas musicians which leave out quality artists giving space to forgettable noise makers, to gleefully promoting as 'best bets' noise makers, drug fueled rappers, and punk bands. I've got nothing against those musicians, they probably work pretty hard and there are some who like that music. But I bet your readers are really interested in the next John Lennon, you know? Someone who is working real hard to make substance. Substance. Thats what I want in my music- expression, emotion, beauty, excitement, craft. I count on you to find and report on substance.
Now, like you say Pink Nasty is a nice guy. He hasn't played but one show for the eight months of this year, but your reporter chose to feature him in an article. During the interview he publicly urinates for the reporter, hmmmm lets see, I think I would hold it if I was fortunate enough to be interviewed. He is as you proclaim "an artist working to shake up the status quo" and he does this by making lyrics about feces, bodily fluids, bestiality and other forms of alternative sex, 'Faces of Death' type scenarios. Side note here: anyone can color outside the lines, that doesn't make it art, and it doesn't push the boundaries. Your reporter lets on that "if you don't pay attention to what he's saying ..(his music) is saleable" and "I can't imagine anybody rapping along to songs on his album." Why, oh, why are you featuring this guy? I mean, I don't know the band Trail of the Dead, but even they left this guy's album behind- it could be that bad! Furthermore you chose to feature an artist that has "only got one more album in him (and) 'these are the worst songs I've ever written'". Groan....
C'mon guys, search this city high and low, find us some real, lasting, substantive musicians to feature so the rest of us can be inspired. If you say something is "hip" one more time I'm gonna scream. Do not focus on the fleeting, subculture, alterno, coloring outside the lines, sophomoric simplicity. Find substance in this great city and its teeming masses of musical endeavor. Do not offend us by featuring the mediocre. Austin 360 music reviewers "pull your head out of your ass and find us some sunshine."

Unbelievably Great Music

Friday, July 17, 2009

Ex-Pres. Bush Donates Crawford Ranch to Detainees

From David Koresh and the Branch Davidians in Waco to the YFZ polygamist Ranch in El Dorado, Texas has a strange history of secretive compounds and it is about to get even stranger. Ex-President George Bush has just donated his Crawford Ranch for the release and rehabilitation of Guantanamo detainees. Reached by phone, ACLU attorney Phreda Mall said the agency is "Absolutely just stunned- and pleased. One of my colleagues said, 'You couldn't have shocked me more if you'd have put me in a robe and stood me on a box.'"

Thirty detainees have been cleared for release from the detention facility at Guantanamo. So far no European country has agreed to take them in. Then ex-President Bush realized his chance to step up. Saying he wanted to make a humanitarian gesture, he said it was "easy for the Decider to make this decision. As you know Laura and I have moved to Dallas and we've gotten engrossed in the challenge of figuring out the Presidential Library, you know, like what to put in it and should there be a TV room- just important details like that. So we aren't really using Crawford that much. I got to thinking, you know, I've cleared it out real good and its just such a restful place- I spent 25% of my Presidency there. So, I got to thinkin' maybe I could give back a little. You know, reach out, and teach American values. I envision allowing some of the faith based initiatives to come in and help with the rehab, you know like maybe Pat Robertson could come in and do some counseling."

Bush said that the donation was not an admission of guilt and got upset when told that someone had suggested that "he was betting the farm against the safety of America." "The Crawford Ranch is a very secure location, having protected a sitting President for eight years", Bush explained. "I have no doubt America will be safe from these less extreme extremists. Besides anyone wandering away won't get far because I let Dick keep his quail lease on the property."
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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Someone in Air Force One Mooning Wall Street?

According to eyewitness accounts of yesterday's low fly over of New York City by Air Force One, at least one occupant of the plane didn't have his hands on the controls. In a photograph shot by a New England Patriots linebacker coach, taken while he vacationed in the city, the rotund form of human buttocks are clearly visible appearing on the right side of the plane as it passes by Wall Street. While the photo was taken with a high quality zoom lens it remains impossible to distinguish the owner of that shady prank.

Air Force spokesman denied that their pilots or attendant staff would be responsible for such actions. "We have taken great strides in training our staff in the wake of past scandals involving lewd behavior. Unless they came from the Academy, they know to keep their clothes on."

It it unclear if the action was aimed at a particular institution as there are so many banks clustered in the downtown financial district. One thing is clear, New Yorkers had every right to be upset at the whole episode. Said hot dog vendor Chuck Elliot who witnessed the events, "I wish they just take their asses back to D.C. where people are used to this kind of behavior."

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pentagon Leaks Classified Predator Drone Vulnerabilities

Classified details of vulnerabilities to the Predator drones were leaked from Pentagon scientists attending an optics conference at the Universidad de Blinde in Venice, Italy. The papers were left inadvertently at a table where attendees were discussing red shift variables and distance factoring as it relates to light waves.

The classified papers describe how the simple tool of using 3D glasses is allowing terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan to actually see the Predator and other US drones as they fly at altitudes of up to 30,000 feet. Because of the unique nature inherent in the shift of various wavelengths of light, at these distances the subtle coatings painted on the drones, when viewed through the filter of bi-colored lenses such as any common pair of 3D glasses, cause the drone to become distinguishable from the background hues of the atmosphere.

Cpl. Tonya Marks of the 1st Rcon, 2nd Battl. USMC operating out of Baalz, Afghanistan said, "Its the damnedest thing. We're out patrolling in the middle of nowhere and come up to a village and see a couple of insurgents wearing like, 3D glasses. I was thinking- where's the drive in, you know." The patrol discovered that the insurgents were able to time their transfers of supplies and men to windows of opportunity in the day when they observe that the drones are not operating overhead. This technique has spread to the theatre in Iraq as well. Recently military specialists interrogated an insurgent who was operating in the border area close to Iran where supply lines often trail through the empty desert lands. Fuq al aJousef defiantly crowed about his abilities to counter the intelligence gathering drones, "With these glasses I can soar higher than the eagles, these glasses are the wind beneath my wings to fight the infidel oppressors."

It is fairly simple to obtain the glasses. Recent editions of Time, and National Geographic for example have included complimentary pairs. Even blockbuster movies such as Chicken Little have seen free glasses handed out to viewers at theaters in Baghdad. Pentagon spokesmen refused to comment on the leak other than to say, " we remain committed to protecting our troops, protecting our nation, and thwarting the bad guys with the full multi-dimensional capabilities of the United States military."
See more on this story at Breaking Wynd.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Former Vice President Cheney Abducted by Underground Supremacists

Former Vice President Cheney Abducted by Underground Supremacists

In a brazen attack, five members of the militant Jackson's Legacy underground supremacist group have abducted former vice president Dick Cheney. Witnesses stated they approached his vehicle while it was stopped at a local gas station in Montana near his ranch. The abductors were driving two small pickup trucks and had stacked coolers and inner tubes in the cargo areas to appear as if they were on a rafting expedition. Two members Cheney's security detail were apparently in route to the bathroom when the abduction took place. Bess Mahart who works as the cashier at the Tuck N Run Package Store said Cheney was a regular there. She said she saw him attempt to fight off an attacker with his cane, but was quickly rendered defenseless when one of the men simply squashed his wide brimmed Fedora over his eyes. He was then thrown into the back of the lead pickup truck and both vehicles sped away.

Montana State Troopers are scouring the area with dozens of vehicles and 10 helicopters. The New Mexico National Guard has redirected its Predator drone training fleet which normally trains over the Rocky Mountains to fly over the area in a 600 mile radius.

In an uncorroborated development, FBI officials admit that a call taking responsibility was placed to the Rush Limbaugh radio program. In a transcript, the caller says: "We have Dick. This is the man responsible for an assault on the Constitution of the United States of America. He deceived Congress. The brothers of the Jackson's Legacy have decided that no such assault can be tolerated. We will waterboard the sh.. out of him until he cooperates and tells us why he shot Harry Whittington, where they keep the Osama Bin Ladin actor, and admit that Halliburton and Enron were actually being fed the wiretapped emails stolen from the OPEC meetings from 2003 through 2006."

Research done on the Jackson's Legacy supremacist group reveals little except a for small publication espousing the view that there is collusion, deception and abuse of the consumer in the gasoline industry, the health insurance/ medical billing industry, and the college textbook industry. They apparently take their name from the President Andrew Jackson whose picture is on the five dollar bill. Their secret greeting is the popular 'gimme five' motion, but with the left hand. The right hand they keep in a fist. They have vowed to "be true patriots and fight evil wherever it may threaten the United States."

The few listeners of Rush's talk show thought the caller was joking. "We've heard so much hot air over the years on this show, I just listen to laugh and let the miles slip by", said trucker B. Gweels. "This caught me by surprise because lately most people don't even wanna touch a Republican."

As the country desperately hopes for a safe resolution and law enforcement personnel carry out their heroic duties, we are left with the last chilling quote from the radio, "We're gonna take such good care of him during interrogation, he'll wish he was in Guantanamo. We will not rest until there is justice for America. We are the Jackson five."

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

iPhone Fuji Apple Juicy Leak

iPhone Fuji Apple Juicy Leak

Are Fujifilm and Apple teaming up to enhance the iPhone camera functionality? In Tokyo there is a rumor going around even juicier than a fuji grade Yubari melon. Some eyewitnesses have claimed they have seen Steve Jobs and Fujifilm CEO Shigetaka Komori tooling around the back byways on a pair of Segways, deep in discussions to seed the iPhone with increased photographic abilities. What could be in store with this new combination? Fuji Apple? Breaking Wynd and Unbelievably Great Music are sniffing around and have these juicy details.

One potential breakthrough is the use of a groundbreaking infrared flash. By using light waves that are not discernable to the human eye, the new flash bulbs do not cause wincing or discomfort in the subjects being photographed. As the light waves are reflected back, proprietary algorythms supplied by Flasher of Silicon Valley convert and shift the reflected light waves and the image appears naturally illuminated. This process also prevents the dreaded red eye from occuring.

A panaoramic sync capability is going to vault the iPhone into a new realm of social networking. Say you've got two friends at a concert but in different sections. By syncing their iPhones they can each shoot photos and then merge them to produce a panaoramic shot. Strangers attending the NBA Championships could film the game winning shot and, after meeting and linking through Twitter or Flikr search, could share and recombinate their original photos into a new "phriendotage."

The fruity blend of Fuji Apple is also said to be interested in expanding the functionality of the iPhone camera lens itself. The design team has created the world's first phone Magnifying glass and Microscope. One can now put any object that needs closer inspection right onto the lens, say a butterfly wing or drop of pond water, and the image will appear at a 200x magnification in pixels on the screen. Major League Baseball and the Tour de France are said to have expressed an interest in purchasing a quantity of these microscopic phones which will allow competition day testing of athletes' hair samples.

But it has not been all serious for the development team. Apparently during some break-room lunches, the computer guys' brainstorming bore fruit in the form of a fun "What fruit is this?" app. At the grocery store you can quiz your iPhone by placing a fruit in its viewer and the app will be able to identify it by genus. Furthermore, it can also tell you whether its ready to eat or maybe a bit too ripe.
Unbelievably Great Music

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Iran bans music

The Iranian Supreme Council has banned the playing of "Green World" after it became a rallying anthem for demonstrators at Freedom Square. The song is found among a collection of Unbelievably Great Music from composer and producer Ara. Apparently supporters of Mir-Hossein Mousavi, who signal their political ties by wearing the color green, have taken to singing the song during marches and peaceful protests.

Assistant Supreme Cleric Allah Duiz Dahnsz issued the edict from government controlled television stations. "We will continue to help guide our citizens into healthy cultural forms of expression, and steer them from blasphemous western influences that cause women to desire to party naked in the streets. It is not true that we keep our women covered because out here in the desert the heat makes a man more lustful and sex crazed than a horny toad stuck on a cactus spine. No, we do not covet our neighbors' wife, no matter that Iranian women are the most beautiful in the world, and when one but gazes in their eyes it is all one can do to make way quickly to the mosque, alas unless coming upon wandering sheep sooner and succumbing to unspeakable temptations. The Iranians are a strong, proud people. Allah help us if we start listening to reggae."

Reached for comment, Ara stated "My family has supported the Iranian peoples' dreams of a good life since I was a boy. As I say in the song, 'Let's make it a green world'."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Detainee Interrogation Photos Leak

Detainee Interrogation Photos Leak

Long suppressed photographs from interrogations conducted in secret CIA facilities have leaked and give a chilling picture of the long term damage caused by the so called enhanced techniques. From a medical facility in Dumbledorf, Germany where doctors are treating United States personnel who served as interrogators, Breaking Wynd has legally obtained through the Gesundheit protocol, hither before classified photos of MRI brain scans and in-theater pictorial files which document the lengths and destructive effects of some anti- terror techniques. The files describe counseling sessions in which the men share their heart wrenching stories of having played music repeatedly to disorient and psychologically "break" terrorists. Songs like "Whip It", "Tied to the Whipping Post", and "Beat It" are said to have been particularly threatening and effective.

Doctors Unable to Remove Song From Patient's Head

In one of the most unfortunate casualties of the war on terror, tales are emerging of an United States serviceman who has become battle scarred by music from an mp3. Apparently the music from an mp3 was routinely employed by his unit as a PSYOPs tactic against insurgents. Before every patrol, he was assigned to download the music onto an mp3. This mp3 download would then be taken into the alleys of Iraq and the music would blast, frightening and dispersing unfriendlies. It's the Start found at was the music mp3 download most often played. Although music mp3 download copies of Metallica, ACDC, and Josh Grobin are commonly used to root out insurgents in other parts of the country, in this part of Iraq those just aren't effective, as the insurgents have heard these mp3 download music tracks so much that they are desensitized to this type of brutalization much like the typical American teenager.
Doctors are hopeful that they can help the patient recover. They are playing "Funky Feeling" around the clock in hopes that this mp3 download will heal him.

Aratunes US
Unbelievably Great Music

Monday, May 11, 2009

Sick Joke and Obama's Not Laughing

My guess is that Obama kept a straight face today when he announced that health care leaders are committing to cut the growth rate of national health care spending. But, excuse me, is this some kind of sick joke? This is like the foxes saying they won't eat quite so many hens next year. Sen Ron Wyden even said so. This is no laughing matter, we need to be alarmed. The Department of Human Services estimates that health spending will grow an average of 6.2% a year. I've had enough. I call bull....!

My experiences with the health insurance system are probably much like yours. My first memory is attending a company staff meeting in which representatives from our HMO came in to describe how our premiums were going to increase 8% this year to 'cover rising costs'. We didn't really argue, we were lucky to have a company that provided health insurance. At the end of the meeting the HMO people let us reach into a basket and pick out a refrigerator magnet or children's toy with their logo on it. This was ten years ago. Hmmm, costs still going up?

Well sure they are. I thought HMOs were designed to hold costs down. I thought they were already doing everything they can do to be lean and mean and competitive against the other HMOs. Apparently not. Apparently they are busy committing fraud, collusion, and price fixing. Recently some of the very biggest HMOs have been under investigation in several states and paid fines to get investigations off their backs. I don't need an attorney general to tell me there's a racket here. All I have to do is take my kid to the doctor with a runny nose, fever, and tugging at his ear. I just need someone to look into his ear so they will write the prescription for the dang ear infection. A five minute doctor visit equals $220, HMO integrity- priceless.
And then there are the horror stories. An otherwise healthy college student has an episode of fainting. No insurance, no diagnosis, no recurrence. But for a couple of CAT scans and other tests the bill was $80,000. Really? How much can it really cost to go through that machine? $1,000? What do you need the other $79,000 for? I don't even want to get started on $10 aspirin.

It's the health insurers that are the sick joke here and, get real, electronic records ain't the answer. Here's what I think Obama ought to do. First off, HMOs should never be part of treatment decisions. If the doctor says you need a splint on your toe, it should not need approval by an HMO.

Next, what medical facilities charge for procedures should be made public. We should know how much an X ray, a saline IV, and yes an aspirin delivered by a nurse cost at hospital A vs. hospital B. Lets have medical facilities become transparent about their efficiencies and patient satisfaction surveys. For non-profits and publicly supported institutions this should be mandatory and available on the Internet.

Third, fixing prices for various insurances at differing levels is unfair. X procedure costs X amount for everyone. Back room deals to set 'discount rates' for 'preferred providers' are collusive and socially detrimental. No discount rates.
Fourth, make HMOs compete. These companies need to get lean and mean and fight for customers. HMOs ought to be in the vanguard of developing efficiencies in treatment and care and savings for their policy holders. Instead of denying claims they ought to push hospitals and doctors to improve health care. Think of all those clerical employees that could be hounding hospitals to keep staph off the floors and medical errors corrected.

When the first HMO fires half of it's administrative support staff, stops sending out forms in triplicate that say "this is not a bill", and actually tells hospitals to quit charging $40 for a gown that doesn't close in the back, then I'll start believing we're getting some real health care reform. Until then, no one's laughing at this sick joke.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

NAACP Says Article Implies President Mooned NYC

The NAACP is upset and has asked the author to wipe clean a recent article about the mooning of New York City from Air Force One. Claiming that it was offensive to categorize the prank as "shady" and in doing so lead some to believe that maybe even the President was involved, they have issued a call to redact the news item.

Lawyers for both sides have set up a meeting to discuss the matter, but one big hurdle will be getting to the bottom of who actually did the mooning. Air Force One is protected by the United States' highest secrecy classification protocols. Because of this they refuse to release who was actually on the plane. "We cannot confirm or deny which assets Air Force One was transporting during the flight in question", Flight Commander Bea Leeve spokeswoman for the President's plane said.

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Sunday, April 26, 2009

GOP Slams Leaked TARP Theme Song

GOP leaders are sounding a chorus of sour notes at the latest news that the TARP fund has commissioned an official theme song. On Capitol Hill it has leaked that President Obama will unveil "According to Murphy" during his upcoming prime time address. Some are questioning why taxpayers may be asked to pay for an official slogan song for the TARP fund even if it is "peppy and uplifting."

Officials who agreed to speak off the record explained the genesis of this strange promotion. Apparently Larry Summers is a big country music fan and while he prefers music performed on the boxcar kazoo (an instrument made popular during the Great Depression) he enjoys the rollicking piano solos performed by Ara Eissler, an obscure country musician. So as part of the TARP mission to get the economy firing on all cylinders he asked the President's HOPE committee (Hobbies, Organisations, Pastimes, and Enrichment) for some ideas.

Their recommendations were twofold. Because of the current state of poor copyright enforcement, musical artists are unable to protect their creative property. The "every one's doing it" mentality leads some to believe music must be shared for free in the new business model and this directly affects Uncle Sam. Because artists aren't paid, they don't pay taxes on royalties. The US government loses 1 billion dollars a year in uncollected taxes on royalties from musicians and studios. The taxpayer picks up the slack to make up the difference. So if the TARP fund chooses to pay Ara Eissler for his song and he generates income from his intellectual property rights it will actually benefit the government come April 15th.

Furthermore, according to Michigan State's American Radio Survey Encyclopedia the majority of music (71%) is listened to by automobile travelers. So anything that promotes good music for the automobile consumer just makes good economic sense for manufacturers such as General Motors and Chrysler according to Mi.ARSE.

Or one could look at it as this is just another in the panoply of shovel ready projects America could invest in.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Surprise, Obama News Conference to be Held on the Lawn

Surprise, Obama News Conference to be Held on the Lawn

In a surprise announcement the White House has confirmed that the President's second official press conference will be held on the East Lawn. A source speaking off the record stated that the administration is continuing to consistently "prove that the best way to govern is to provide a challenge to absolutely every level of public servant." In a rare moment of visible confirmation, it was possible to observe Park Service employees and White House staffers scurrying about the grounds as they tidied up the yard and roped off areas of newly planted bulbs. It appeared as if a backdrop of faux Greek columns was being assembled behind the Obama's newly purchased swing set.
"Everyone knows that we're juggling big challenges and under a lot of pressure to get it right. But it is spring here in D.C. and the President thought that it would be nice to do this outside and just sort of communicate like anywhere else in Main Street, USA. You know, kinda have the barbecue going for the reporters kind of thing." The President has come under fire as of late for appearing too optimistic about the chances for economic recovery. The source said the hope is that the play structure might actually serve as a metaphor for the dangers and pleasures inherent in participating in the world's most vibrant capital market. "I can't say for sure, but we are discussing having Barack actually give his opening statement while seated on the swing. It will be kind of a new spin on the fireside chat thing, and will hopefully reassure the American public not only by giving a sense of closeness and frankly, fun with the President, but also will underscore, again metaphorically, that the economy will fluctuate and swing and yet we're all still safe."
About his former rival's decision to break with tradition in this radical manner, John McCain had this to say," As far as I'm concerned, I'm loving the flip flops that I'm hearing from the administration on taxing employer provided health benefits. So if the man wants to wear flip flops to a press conference in his backyard well, let me just put it this way, did someone say barbecue?"