Friday, July 17, 2009

Ex-Pres. Bush Donates Crawford Ranch to Detainees

From David Koresh and the Branch Davidians in Waco to the YFZ polygamist Ranch in El Dorado, Texas has a strange history of secretive compounds and it is about to get even stranger. Ex-President George Bush has just donated his Crawford Ranch for the release and rehabilitation of Guantanamo detainees. Reached by phone, ACLU attorney Phreda Mall said the agency is "Absolutely just stunned- and pleased. One of my colleagues said, 'You couldn't have shocked me more if you'd have put me in a robe and stood me on a box.'"

Thirty detainees have been cleared for release from the detention facility at Guantanamo. So far no European country has agreed to take them in. Then ex-President Bush realized his chance to step up. Saying he wanted to make a humanitarian gesture, he said it was "easy for the Decider to make this decision. As you know Laura and I have moved to Dallas and we've gotten engrossed in the challenge of figuring out the Presidential Library, you know, like what to put in it and should there be a TV room- just important details like that. So we aren't really using Crawford that much. I got to thinking, you know, I've cleared it out real good and its just such a restful place- I spent 25% of my Presidency there. So, I got to thinkin' maybe I could give back a little. You know, reach out, and teach American values. I envision allowing some of the faith based initiatives to come in and help with the rehab, you know like maybe Pat Robertson could come in and do some counseling."

Bush said that the donation was not an admission of guilt and got upset when told that someone had suggested that "he was betting the farm against the safety of America." "The Crawford Ranch is a very secure location, having protected a sitting President for eight years", Bush explained. "I have no doubt America will be safe from these less extreme extremists. Besides anyone wandering away won't get far because I let Dick keep his quail lease on the property."
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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Someone in Air Force One Mooning Wall Street?

According to eyewitness accounts of yesterday's low fly over of New York City by Air Force One, at least one occupant of the plane didn't have his hands on the controls. In a photograph shot by a New England Patriots linebacker coach, taken while he vacationed in the city, the rotund form of human buttocks are clearly visible appearing on the right side of the plane as it passes by Wall Street. While the photo was taken with a high quality zoom lens it remains impossible to distinguish the owner of that shady prank.

Air Force spokesman denied that their pilots or attendant staff would be responsible for such actions. "We have taken great strides in training our staff in the wake of past scandals involving lewd behavior. Unless they came from the Academy, they know to keep their clothes on."

It it unclear if the action was aimed at a particular institution as there are so many banks clustered in the downtown financial district. One thing is clear, New Yorkers had every right to be upset at the whole episode. Said hot dog vendor Chuck Elliot who witnessed the events, "I wish they just take their asses back to D.C. where people are used to this kind of behavior."

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pentagon Leaks Classified Predator Drone Vulnerabilities

Classified details of vulnerabilities to the Predator drones were leaked from Pentagon scientists attending an optics conference at the Universidad de Blinde in Venice, Italy. The papers were left inadvertently at a table where attendees were discussing red shift variables and distance factoring as it relates to light waves.

The classified papers describe how the simple tool of using 3D glasses is allowing terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan to actually see the Predator and other US drones as they fly at altitudes of up to 30,000 feet. Because of the unique nature inherent in the shift of various wavelengths of light, at these distances the subtle coatings painted on the drones, when viewed through the filter of bi-colored lenses such as any common pair of 3D glasses, cause the drone to become distinguishable from the background hues of the atmosphere.

Cpl. Tonya Marks of the 1st Rcon, 2nd Battl. USMC operating out of Baalz, Afghanistan said, "Its the damnedest thing. We're out patrolling in the middle of nowhere and come up to a village and see a couple of insurgents wearing like, 3D glasses. I was thinking- where's the drive in, you know." The patrol discovered that the insurgents were able to time their transfers of supplies and men to windows of opportunity in the day when they observe that the drones are not operating overhead. This technique has spread to the theatre in Iraq as well. Recently military specialists interrogated an insurgent who was operating in the border area close to Iran where supply lines often trail through the empty desert lands. Fuq al aJousef defiantly crowed about his abilities to counter the intelligence gathering drones, "With these glasses I can soar higher than the eagles, these glasses are the wind beneath my wings to fight the infidel oppressors."

It is fairly simple to obtain the glasses. Recent editions of Time, and National Geographic for example have included complimentary pairs. Even blockbuster movies such as Chicken Little have seen free glasses handed out to viewers at theaters in Baghdad. Pentagon spokesmen refused to comment on the leak other than to say, " we remain committed to protecting our troops, protecting our nation, and thwarting the bad guys with the full multi-dimensional capabilities of the United States military."
See more on this story at Breaking Wynd.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Former Vice President Cheney Abducted by Underground Supremacists

Former Vice President Cheney Abducted by Underground Supremacists

In a brazen attack, five members of the militant Jackson's Legacy underground supremacist group have abducted former vice president Dick Cheney. Witnesses stated they approached his vehicle while it was stopped at a local gas station in Montana near his ranch. The abductors were driving two small pickup trucks and had stacked coolers and inner tubes in the cargo areas to appear as if they were on a rafting expedition. Two members Cheney's security detail were apparently in route to the bathroom when the abduction took place. Bess Mahart who works as the cashier at the Tuck N Run Package Store said Cheney was a regular there. She said she saw him attempt to fight off an attacker with his cane, but was quickly rendered defenseless when one of the men simply squashed his wide brimmed Fedora over his eyes. He was then thrown into the back of the lead pickup truck and both vehicles sped away.

Montana State Troopers are scouring the area with dozens of vehicles and 10 helicopters. The New Mexico National Guard has redirected its Predator drone training fleet which normally trains over the Rocky Mountains to fly over the area in a 600 mile radius.

In an uncorroborated development, FBI officials admit that a call taking responsibility was placed to the Rush Limbaugh radio program. In a transcript, the caller says: "We have Dick. This is the man responsible for an assault on the Constitution of the United States of America. He deceived Congress. The brothers of the Jackson's Legacy have decided that no such assault can be tolerated. We will waterboard the sh.. out of him until he cooperates and tells us why he shot Harry Whittington, where they keep the Osama Bin Ladin actor, and admit that Halliburton and Enron were actually being fed the wiretapped emails stolen from the OPEC meetings from 2003 through 2006."

Research done on the Jackson's Legacy supremacist group reveals little except a for small publication espousing the view that there is collusion, deception and abuse of the consumer in the gasoline industry, the health insurance/ medical billing industry, and the college textbook industry. They apparently take their name from the President Andrew Jackson whose picture is on the five dollar bill. Their secret greeting is the popular 'gimme five' motion, but with the left hand. The right hand they keep in a fist. They have vowed to "be true patriots and fight evil wherever it may threaten the United States."

The few listeners of Rush's talk show thought the caller was joking. "We've heard so much hot air over the years on this show, I just listen to laugh and let the miles slip by", said trucker B. Gweels. "This caught me by surprise because lately most people don't even wanna touch a Republican."

As the country desperately hopes for a safe resolution and law enforcement personnel carry out their heroic duties, we are left with the last chilling quote from the radio, "We're gonna take such good care of him during interrogation, he'll wish he was in Guantanamo. We will not rest until there is justice for America. We are the Jackson five."

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