Sunday, September 13, 2009

Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

A disgruntled aide to President Obama has turned over an early transcript of the speech which the President will deliver tonight to a joint session of Congress. It is nothing short of a Hail Mary. To overcome the nation's health care slump, the President proposes to ban football beginning in 2010. Ban Football.

Well, now we understand why Roger Goodell's name showed up on the White House visitor logs so frequently last month.

The President's offensive philosophy is reasoned like this: the injury rate for an average football team over the course of the season is 170% (all figures official O.O.M.A.). If one takes a look at the daily NFL injury report what appears will range from muscle tears, high ankle sprains, turf toes, to groin pulls, hyper extended joints, torn ligaments, broken bones, and concussions. To break it down further, that broken arm will cost roughly $1800 in x-rays, $18,400 for surgery, $4200 surgical prep, $3487 hospital stay one night, $6700 outpatient rehab. So, almost $30,000 of average medical care per 52 man roster plus each scout team and those that were waived multiplied across all the teams in the league,and in college leagues, and in high school leagues, and in Pee Wee. The figure is staggering. The insurance industry spends 16.2 billion dollars annually on football related injuries. Take away this need and there will be more resources for your average car accident or grain hopper victim. In fact the NFL has the highest rate of medical expenditure in the country. Far behind, in second place, is the Blackwater counter-terrorism company. The idea is that if the nation can cut out unnecessary use of medical services, then providers can give better service to those in real need like cancer patients, or schizophrenics.

The aide who turned over the copy of the speech said he was particularly upset by some of the passages concerning America's young men. Obama says,"Change is good. Today's young men who will fight our wars need a different skill set. No longer do they need to run under a heavy pack and grunt, crawl, and claw their way towards an objective. Today's warfare requires finger dexterity, not brawn. It requires quick reactions, not teamwork. Our boys are going to be flying Predators. So I'm asking the parents to take their kids out of football and start a neighborhood Wii league. Go ahead, it'll be a community sort of thing, everybody can play Halo." The aide, coincidentally named John Madden, said, "That's just messed up. Anyways, whats going to happen to my fantasy football league, and I'm doing the lingerie league this year too?"

Representatives from the insurance companies said they had no comments yet. Off the record they admit that this proposal raises all kinds of flags and will penalize them financially. They want to wait and review the speech from the booth at the Capital. Among players and coaches asked for comment, Brett Favre said, "Well I guess this means I'll be retired again at this time next year." Jerry Jones was livid, "I haven't heard anything so sickening since that punt thudded into the TV screen two weeks ago."

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