Sunday, December 6, 2009

Leaked Report of Jobs Summit/ Afghanistan Link

Leaked Report of Jobs Summit/ Afghanistan Link

Sources have started to leak details of new plans by the Obama administration to commence a sweeping national job creating strategy that will focus on combining creating jobs in the Homeland and improving security in war torn Afghanistan. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been deep in discussions with Defense Secretary Robert Gates on the plan. Under-Secretary Bob Gophor and Assistant Secretary Justin Duit as well as Deputy Secretary Akin Coppies and Deputy Assistant Under Deputy Assistant Secretary Secretary Loman Totem have all been involved.

What they have come up with is nothing short of a modern New Deal for America. They propose a massive recycling and security technology industry here in America that will provide a "neighborhood watch" program in the lawless provinces in Afghanistan. Say Whhaaaa?

Here's how it will work: According to the State department, ten thousand out of work Americans will be enlisted to dig up extraneous telephone poles around the country and load them onto rail for transportation to Afghanistan. These are telephone poles that are becoming obsolete as America moves to a wireless communication infrastructure. Now that they are not being used, instead of rotting in the ground, the thinking from the State Department is "lets recycle 'em as part of our Green Initiatives". The Teamsters has already expressed excitement about giving the Afghans the poles. In addition, Americans will be asked to donate to the Homeland security department those little tiny video cameras they've gotten with each new computer purchased in the last 6 years. Each camera is worth a $5 tax credit in 2011. So the cameras and poles will be shipped to Afghanistan. There natives will be tasked with digging in the poles along all trails and roadways which our forces have cleared. Atop each pole a video camera will be mounted. Now, it is common knowledge in Afghanistan the the cameras will be secure because of the curious cultural unwillingness of the people to climb up ladders and poles as it is taboo for one to expose the body beneath the flowing robes in public.

So after the Marines sweep through and the the trails have been "cleared", now we need to "hold" them. So the Department of Defense will enlist a Civilian Defense Corps which may provide jobs for up to 900,000 Americans. Their duty will be to monitor, by closed circuit TV, the video feed of each camera, 24 hours a day. Is an insurgent planting a roadside IED? Make a call to headquarters. Was there an ambush in the next city? Rewind the video and watch the insurgents walk backwards into the cave from whence they were hiding. Is this Big Brother? Well kinda, but its also war. The Defence Secretary calls it Variable Distance Neighborhood Watch. In any event 20 cities, from Chicago to Pucksatawny have begun the application process to host one of the 6 monitoring centers in which the videos will be scrutinized.

Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama expressed heavy disdain for the plan. "You've got the Obama administration proposing for a bunch of people to sit around and watch videos and also dig holes and fill them back up, and then they have the audacity to call that a Security and Job Creation Plan. I'm speechless, I don't know what to say. I'm sure our caucus can come up with a better plan. There's a saying where I'm from about when a mule looks backwards at himself in a mirror he can see the way forward. And, well, we'll just see what happens when it comes up for debate".

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