Former Vice President Cheney Abducted by Underground Supremacists
In a brazen attack, five members of the militant Jackson's Legacy underground supremacist group have abducted former vice president Dick Cheney. Witnesses stated they approached his vehicle while it was stopped at a local gas station in Montana near his ranch. The abductors were driving two small pickup trucks and had stacked coolers and inner tubes in the cargo areas to appear as if they were on a rafting expedition. Two members Cheney's security detail were apparently in route to the bathroom when the abduction took place. Bess Mahart who works as the cashier at the Tuck N Run Package Store said Cheney was a regular there. She said she saw him attempt to fight off an attacker with his cane, but was quickly rendered defenseless when one of the men simply squashed his wide brimmed Fedora over his eyes. He was then thrown into the back of the lead pickup truck and both vehicles sped away.
Montana State Troopers are scouring the area with dozens of vehicles and 10 helicopters. The New Mexico National Guard has redirected its Predator drone training fleet which normally trains over the Rocky Mountains to fly over the area in a 600 mile radius.
In an uncorroborated development, FBI officials admit that a call taking responsibility was placed to the Rush Limbaugh radio program. In a transcript, the caller says: "We have Dick. This is the man responsible for an assault on the Constitution of the United States of America. He deceived Congress. The brothers of the Jackson's Legacy have decided that no such assault can be tolerated. We will waterboard the sh.. out of him until he cooperates and tells us why he shot Harry Whittington, where they keep the Osama Bin Ladin actor, and admit that Halliburton and Enron were actually being fed the wiretapped emails stolen from the OPEC meetings from 2003 through 2006."
Research done on the Jackson's Legacy supremacist group reveals little except a for small publication espousing the view that there is collusion, deception and abuse of the consumer in the gasoline industry, the health insurance/ medical billing industry, and the college textbook industry. They apparently take their name from the President Andrew Jackson whose picture is on the five dollar bill. Their secret greeting is the popular 'gimme five' motion, but with the left hand. The right hand they keep in a fist. They have vowed to "be true patriots and fight evil wherever it may threaten the United States."
The few listeners of Rush's talk show thought the caller was joking. "We've heard so much hot air over the years on this show, I just listen to laugh and let the miles slip by", said trucker B. Gweels. "This caught me by surprise because lately most people don't even wanna touch a Republican."
As the country desperately hopes for a safe resolution and law enforcement personnel carry out their heroic duties, we are left with the last chilling quote from the radio, "We're gonna take such good care of him during interrogation, he'll wish he was in Guantanamo. We will not rest until there is justice for America. We are the Jackson five."
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